Beth Ann Nocar

Healing is Difficult but Possible

“Do not look for healing at the feet of those who broke you.” Rupi Kaur When separation occurs, especially when it was not by your choice, you feel the need to know why. Why did this happen? Was it something about me? Why wasn’t I enough? Why is there no remorse from the person who once loved me? How can he or she just walk away from our life, our kids, our families and our friends and never look back?

My first piece of advice is not to look for these answers from the person who hurt you. It is highly unlikely that you will ever get the answers that you want to hear and you may even get answers that blame you for your partner’s departure. This will leave you with even more hurt. One of the first steps is to not get caught up in the “why” of something that you cannot change. You have to know that you are still you, the person who he or she loved and married. If he or she chose to leave, it was he or she who changed not you. You are allowed to wallow for a bit in the painful emotions that follow. It is a necessary part of dealing with the grief of losing a relationship. It is a losing battle to want answers to your why questions from your partner. You will not find healing there, so preserve your sanity and work through your grief instead.

Surround yourself with family and friends. Push yourself to stay busy. Distraction is important whether it be spending time with your kids, having happy hours with your friends, taking a trip, hiking, biking, fishing, getting a massage or mani/pedi, exercising, reading a book, yoga or even meditating. You need to seek positive outlets that work for you in dealing with your emotions. You are responsible for your happiness and no one else. Yes, your husband or wife hurt you and caused you to be unhappy, but it is your choice to remain unhappy or find your way back to happiness. Never depend on anyone to do this for you, especially not the person who hurt you.

Your journey starts here. Healing is possible and you are in control. If you need professional help, go for it! No shame here. It is exactly what I did and I have no regrets. I needed an objective observer to help me to get started on my path to happiness. Counseling gave me the clarity to see through the clouds of emotions that seemed to consume me and paralyze me on the daily. For me, it was definitely where my healing began.

Definitely take some time to grieve and feel the emotions. I don’t think you can adequately heal without doing so. Just don’t drown in them. Pick distractions that you know will work for you based on your interests and hobbies. If you don’t feel you have any, now is the time to create some. Besides those that I’ve listed above, I even went outside of my comfort zone and became scuba certified. If you want to find happiness again, you need to put in the effort. Forget any ideas of closure or healing from the person who hurt you, it’s you that you need to depend on for that. You’ve got this!

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